why do I have to die?
Once at the end of life, and then
Over and over and over again.
It’s the principle of the matter,
You tell me me I am a person,
I’m not food to be pressed through
a thin machine, made thinner,
prepared and devoured by the things
larger than me.
You scream when I try to pry my way out of the machine.
“How dare you take your hand out of my mouth?”
I am so so so
I will try to be more of a thing, sir.
Would you like to eat my other hand, sir?
Are you tired of listening to me speak, sir?
Cut out my tongue and scrape it away
I know it’s no use to you, sir.
I could be pretty for you, sir.
I could be smaller for you.
I could wear well for you.
I could die for you.
Once at the end of life, and then,
Over and over and over again.
This is Batman, he lives with me.
“The Deer God is a breathtaking 3d pixel art game that will challenge your religion and your platforming skills.”
Correction - 7 Days. 5k from goal.
$3,500 to go in a week!
Sunday the 10th - as with every Sunday, I start to get anxious and
upset during the evening, dreading work. I decided to meditate for the
first time in months. This calms me down, puts me in a “trance” like
state. I listen to David Lynch & Chrysta Bells “Love is a bird of
flames”. I repeat to myself: Love is a bird of flames coming into a
dark world over and over again until I go to sleep.
Monday the 11th - a surprisingly good day at work. Usually I will
experience extreme spikes of emotion & be unable to focus. Every time
I felt this surge coming on I repeated to myself - love is a bird of
flames coming into a dark world - like a mantra. I remembered what it
was like to feel the calm of meditation. I say to myself I’ll meditate
when I get home. My girlfriend is upset when I get home, there’s “bad
energy” in the apartment. I immediately feel bad and anxious. I go out
drinking with my friend Chelsea. My mood spikes, and then goes
downhill. I drunkenly argue with my girlfriend about marriage.
Tuesday the 12th - first day of medication. Nervous about going to
visit a psychiatrist. Relieved that I finally have medicine after so
long of waiting - get prescriptions filled and take half a klonopin
and wellbutrin, experience dizziness and have to email in to work that
I can’t make it. Sleep until 4 p.m Write about 500 words on a short
story, but too sleepy to do much more. Take another pill. Go to sleep.
Wednesday the 13th - One of my first calm days at work. The medication
appears to be working. I don’t feel terrible and incompetent. I talk
more in meetings and don’t have the physical symptoms of nervousness
(shaking, fast heartbeat). Go with Lux to celebrate pre-valentine’s,
have four drinks. Go out with friends. Become angry because I think my
friend is being a bad friend - I am trying very hard to engage them
and they are staring off into space, shrugging when I ask questions. I
start into a hate spiral because of this. I have suicidal ideations. I
ask Lux to leave and we leave the bar. On the street I feel like I’ve
done hard drugs or had 2x as much alcohol - the medication is not
mixing well, obviously. I ask that Lux buys me a hotdog, I eat a bite
and immediately feel guilty. at home I chew & spit. I take a half of a
klonopin. I feel like I’m going to die. I’m scared that I’m
overdosing. I throw up the pill and everything that I ate in the last
few hours. I’m angry and lashing out at Lux. I don’t know how to calm
down. Whenever I get this angry I feel like I don’t belong in my body
anymore. I demand we watch Mulholland Dr. I feel like a David Lynch
movie is the only movie that will calm me down. I fall asleep after
about an hour.
Thursday the 14th - No extreme spikes of emotion. I usually write every day, but I’ve been too unfocused and hard on myself to write much at all this week. After work watch a movie and then go to sleep.
Friday the 15th - Terrible day at work, approaching deadline + broken developer tools. Angry and upset. Calmed down later when I met up with someone at Belltown Pub. Drank too much, per usual. Went over to a friend’s apartment with about four people. Klonopin + alcohol, and my motor functions were shot. I spilled wine three or four times. I get locked out of the apartment and decide to go home with one of my friends. We drink everclear. I start panicking because I think I’ve poisoned myself. I induce vomiting. I start crying uncontrollably. My friend is yelling at me, “get over yourself! Get over it!” and this makes me cry harder. Lux comes through the door and I attack her. I feel betrayed and abandoned. She runs out of the apartment. I think about killing myself, but just keep crying, unable to really move or do anything because I’m so overwhelmed with emotion. Lux comes back and holds me. I pass out.
Saturday the 16th - sick of living with extreme guilt. Sick of feeling like I can’t socialize unless alcohol is involved. I want to stop drinking. I can’t “drink in moderation”. I can’t “just have one drink.” Friends are enablers. I put myself in situations where I’m bound to fail. I drink a lot of water. Overwhelmed by guilt.
I take a klonopin at around 4 p.m, take a four hour nap. Wake up at 9 p.m, drink coffee and work on my short story. Stay up till 5 a.m, go eat breakfast at 5:30 in the morning at five point cafe. Strangely happy, because of how empty and clean the streets feel - the cafe is a weird Twilight zone. Go home, stay up another few hours, drink Valerian tea with tincture. Fall asleep at 7 a.m
Sunday the 17th - wake up at noon, go to Toppot doughnuts. I think it will be a good day. Work on my short story, go eat a sandwich at a cafe. Come home, finish the story. Ask Lux to read it. She’s playing Civ 5, asks “to give her half an hour.” An hour later I collapse in the kitchen, wracked with unbearably mental pain because she is still playing and ”she doesn’t care about me,” and “hates my writing” I want to cut myself. I want to burn myself with a straight razor. I feel like Lux hates me and is being non responsive. She asks me to hug her and holds her arms out. I’m so angry, I feel as if I can’t physically hug her. I tell her to leave. Screaming at her. I want to call someone, but I can’t. I end up collapsing in bed and falling asleep.
Monday the 18th - An okay day at work, was very productive, walked through new content and fixed a lot of bugs.
Lux was critical of me for “rushing too fast,” and not paying attention to things at home. She said she was still mad at me for the night before. I feel repulsive. I feel like a curse. But she says she would never leave me, that we are one. I get food to make soup and make dinner for us, I buy a quarter of weed from the barista at Bedlam (A quarter lasts me about 3 months) I finish reading a book on my Kindle and drink coffee and try to relax, but I feel very sad. I go to bed without incident.
Tuesday the 19th - I feel like a bad person. I’m overwhelmed by all the work I need to do. I feel useless at work, though I’ve tested most of my content and fixed from what I can tell most of my bugs. Lux hugs me on the bus on the way back from my appt. I feel more even, I eat a breakfast burrito (scary! I avoid breakfast a lot, but I’m hungry so I eat most of it) I go eat lunch with someone from CR. I’m scared to, feel guilty for eating two small tacos. At around 2 p.m I research novel formatting for Kindle and book covers and get overwhelmed. I’m always overwhelmed and rushed and feel out of time - especially when it comes to writing. I ask Lux to come take me klonopin. She comes, gets coffee with me. I hug her. I feel lonely and irritated at the same time.
Feel more even after drinking an americano and taking .25 mg. Calm at about 3 p.m
Wednesday the 20th
Took about 1.5 mg of Klonopin today. I’m scared of it, but I have to keep reminding myself it’s not as scary as alcohol. I don’t even miss alcohol, but I haven’t really interacted with anyone outside of Lux or work either. At home I have another break-down, I’m paying Lux to edit my novel because she can’t find a job. I want it finished so badly, I feel like she isn’t working hard enough. Money and relationships, always fuck everything over. I feel such urgency. I’m going to die. I’m going to die.
I tell her she needs to leave the house so I can calm down. I eat a small piece of cheese and some chocolate, immediately panic, and then purge my entire dinner. But I feel calm afterwards. I’m too weak to even cut or burn myself. I call her to come back an hour later. We hug. I fall asleep.
Thursday the 21st
I don’t remember what happened this day. Lux and I got some pizza after work. I’m craving sugar like mad. I wanted a milkshake, instead drank a Dr. Pepper with some ice cream in it. I feel less bloated now that I’m not shoving thousands of liquid calories down my throat every day, but of course I still look in the mirror and think I’m fat. I’m sure I got in an argument about something. Felt crazy and depressed. Trying to take a break. Taking a break is so difficult for me.
Friday the 22nd
Tried to watch a movie, failed. Don’t remember how much Klonopin I took. I freak out because they have pizza for lunch at work and I already ate pizza yesterday. Couldn’t wait to rush out the door to leave work. Read a little, went to sleep early. Had bad dreams. Don’t remember much from today.
Woke up somewhat early, went to Top Pot and wrote for about 5-6 hours. Completely manic, off the walls. had nothing but a doughnut and coffee to eat until about 7 p.m. Yes I know that’s bad for me. Everytime I started getting anxious I would reach for klonopin. Lux is editing my story and I get unbearably upset because I think, as always, that she hates my writing. I feel like I’m so anxious I need to channel it into something or else I’ll go mad. We go eat some sushi and soup. I come back home and start working on edits for an older story on paper, with red pen. I get frustrated. Lux tells me I need to take a break. I cry in the bathtub because I feel incredibly alone. I try to play Red Dead Redemption on lux’s xbox. I feel skinless. The slightest thing sets me off. I smoke a lot of week and take a .5 klonopin to to bed early because I can’t handle feeling this emotional pain.
I feel like I can’t eat lunch. Lux says I need to try, so I go get a smoothie from Pike Place. Friend comes over with cupcakes and I eat a little bit. I’m scared to death. I think she’s judging everything I say. I need her to leave. I whisper to Lux. I’m so scared. I start panicking. I’m angry. Everyone hates me. They are waiting for me to screw up. She leaves to go house hunting.
I’m panicking so badly and I feel so much anger and hurt, I’m a skinless piece of meat. I thought I could wear a crop top, wrong. I’m ugly. Picking at my skin. I ask Lux to call Melanie. I can’t talk. My mouth is a piece of glue.
I feel like I need to fill a void in my life because I think I have no friends anymore, so I email someone about fire dancing classes. I work on my book for about three hours. I don’t want to stop. I have so much energy now from the buproprien, but if I don’t channel it it becomes rage and frustration and anxiety.
I eat a sandwich at about 5 p.m at Top Pot. Some macaroni & cheese at like 10:30 at night. Of course I hate myself for it.
Things to learn:
It’s okay to be selfish right now & not be social
I need some Vitamin D
I need to figure out a way to exercise, even if it’s just push ups in the kitchen
It’s okay to be involved in writing, because it causes anxiety for me to not do it
However, I can also read books, go outside for a walk and take breaks
When I am at work don’t beat myself up for having non optimal performance.
When at work take breaks to get coffee or just walk around the block
Don’t let people at work get me down - they don’t mean to be mean, they are just oblivious
Don’t interpret everything that people do as a sign that they hate you
It’s okay to take klonopin when I need it
Maybe stop eating so much sugar but at the same time who cares
Eat whatever I want it’s okay right now. There’s no room for guilt.
August 28, 2013, Wednesday
Woke up late because I took a mg of klonopin